Singular
Women
(AKA Women Living Single)
It's
hard to stop listening to a culture that insists there's something wrong
with women who don't get married. But Lee Reilly challenges that culture, with the intelligence
and research of a scholar,the eloquence of a born writer, and the wisdom and compassion of a best
friend. If you're beginning to suspect that 'fixing' yourself isn't the answer, fix yourself a cup
of tea instead, and sit down with Women Living Single. --
Nina Barrett, author of The Girls, a True Story of Lifelong Friendship.
A few excerpts ...
From Chapter Two: Expectations
From Chapter Nine: Feelings
and Choices
Expectations
She wants to be a bride. Of course she does. Every little girl does.
Her best friend, Tonya, does. Together Roxanne and Tonya play Barbie
dolls. They play Barbie and Ken. They play Barbie and Ken Getting Married.
Later, in high school, Roxanne and Tonya vow to be each other's bridesmaids
and they spend hours ... watching Princess Di's wedding. "All that
gaudy stuff," Roxanne recalls now. "We watched all of it,
every second." When it's time to look for dresses for the prom,
they start small, but soon they're trying on bridal gowns, long ones,
white ones, with satin trains and full-length veils. Roxanne's in love.
Maybe she'll marry John Osterman. "The images were very storybook",
she says now, "because that's all I'd ever seen." But Roxanne's
own story turned out differently. No longer a friend, Tonya got married
a few years ago. Far away in Los Angeles, John died in a car accident.
At thirty-one, Roxanne doesn't know whether she'll marry or not. But
she remembers the dreams, the bridal magazines she bought, the pictures
she had in her mind. They're clearer than anything...
Whenever anyone asks, "Why didn't you get married?" I'm stumped.
Ever since I was a little girl, I planned on marrying -- no, not exactly
planned. I expected it ....
Feelings and Choices
Carrie Cunningham has a few things to say about the unmarried life.
Also supportive families, good books, the reason she disliked Smith
College, the importance of friends, the joy of having cats, and the
glorious places she has traveled. Oh, yeah, and there's that silly episode
when lived with 'a fellow' and eventually made friends with one of his
many extracurricular lovers. And did she mention that she doesn't mind
being unmarried? 'I like it,'she says over coffee .., Carrie [also]
wants to make sure that I know she doesn't hate men.'I like them as
a whole,' she says, 'I just got a lemon.' But Carrie doesn't dwell on
the lemon. She takes off on dating services and singles dances, problem
kids, the myths that go with aging -- laughing as she goes, pausing
only to see if I've caught her drift. In the late October darkness stops
a moment before she leaves my car. 'I'm sorry if I've thrown off your
sample,' she says with sincerity. 'But the truth is, I'm happy.'
The
truth is, Carrie Cunningham didn't throw the sample off at all. She
loves her friends, her home, her freedom. She enjoyed a close family
and still misses the brother who died a year ago... She is confident,
and the regrets she expresses are minor (Okay, okay, she laughs over
coffee, maybe I should have dumped the man sooner or skipped living
with him altogether.)...
In short, the feelings of these thirty women are not what people expect...
people expect regrets, self-recrimination, maybe even a little embarrassment
...these expectations find their way into the presumably objective psychological
community which has had a tough time conceding that most ever-single
women feel pretty good: in the 1970s one sociologist concluded, "On
the whole the women interviewed did not appear unhappy (emphasis mine).
You can virtually hear her digging in her intellectual heels... In truth,
those who listen without prejudice learn that once singular women have
found their places among family and friends, once they have created
their homes and their lives, they aren't particularly lonely; they are
generally satisfied and healthy ...
...So,
why don't we feel worse?...
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